jynxzero

Dear Citizens,

You may have observed recently a slow but steady shortening of the day. There is no need for alarm. What you have noticed is part of a natural process scientists refer to as "Autumn". Scientists have observed Autumn occurring every year since records began in 1865, and evidence from ice core samples taken in the Highlands of Scotland suggest it has been happening yearly for many centuries.

As Autumn proceeds you may experience some harmless side effects, such a coldness and windswept hair. These effects are temporary, and can be reduced by remaining indoors with your heating on. You may be shocked to start noticing Christmas decorations and other festive paraphernalia appearing in shops. Please try to remain calm, you are not in any immediate danger. You may be tempted to purchase these items to protect other consumers from distress. This is not recommended, as studies indicate this causes the items to multiply and spread.

Christmas is caused by the virus consumera spendorum, which has become essentially endemic in the human population over the last few decades. A few isolated communities have not yet been infected. These tend to be remote tribes with little contact with the main human population. The virus prefers the cold, which is why symptoms start to become more widespread at this time of year in the US and UK. This is also why fewer people show symptoms of Christmas in Africa. Consumera thrives in landfill sites. It is transmitted by shared contact with shiny things (such as coins, cars, gadgets), by reindeer, and by the laughter of small children. There is currently no known cure.

We hope that this information will help you enjoy the coming seasons in a calm and responsible manner.

Dominik Grambon
The Guardian, Wednesday 5 May 2010

As the General Election campaign entered it's final hour, David Cameron sought to galvanise support for the Conservative party by providing details on how the UKs spiralling budget deficit would be slashed under his leadership. Backed by a new report from the Office of National Statistics, Cameron proposed removing MS Paint from public sector workers computers in a bid to increase efficiency. "The governments own figures show that annually, at least 970,000 hours of public servants time are spent drawing pictures in MS Paint, at total cost to the taxpayer of £8.6billion pounds."

Senior Labour officials pointed out that they had already set stringent targets for reduction in thumb-twiddling during the next parliament, and dismissed claims that MS Paint usage could be significantly reduced below 2005 levels without resulting in significant damage to the fragile economic recovery. Vince Cable, the Liberal Democrat Shadow Chancellor noted that their proposed Pixel Tax on workers earning over £50,000 per year would reduce unnecessary MS Paint usage by 50%, whilst lifting more than 80million UK households out of poverty, but journalists declined to listen.